i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Still dying that you shit outside
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
