I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
