I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
i now understand why vodka
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Randomize
