That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
