cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Randomize
