I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Randomize
