does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
