Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Randomize
