I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
