I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
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