you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
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