Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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