do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
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