Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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