Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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