i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
