If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Randomize
