My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
