nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
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