Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
