Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
