I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
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