Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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