6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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