Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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