I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
