I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
