Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize