I heard we made out
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Randomize
