sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
