Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize
