Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Use "feeling words"
Yay
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
