No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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