my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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