A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
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