I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
