its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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