You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Randomize