Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Randomize
