The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
Randomize
