I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
I did not marry a roomba.
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