It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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