I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
He's a Shit stain on my heart
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
