My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
