I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
