1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Can i not drive my cunt home
I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
