Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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