Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Randomize
