So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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