one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
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