uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
