so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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