I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
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