WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
