I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
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